Sunday, August 30, 2009

Viva Ambivalence!

Ambivalent Fat Girl has migrated over to Toothpick Labeling, my main blog. Thanks so much for all your comments and support, and tune in for more at the new spot. Click here for the AFG archive.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


I ate everything in sight last night. What was in sight, you ask?

- steak
- fried potatoes
- fresh strawberry pie
- cheese cake. Need I go on?

My bike is in the shop. Once I have it back, I'm gonna ride that thing like there's no tomorrow. I'm thinking there might be no way to change permanently the way I eat. But I can always incorporate more physical activity into my life. We'll see how this fares.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Regimen Anew!

Alright. Back to the drawing board again. I weighed myself this morning, and I'm now 227 pounds, a full 7 more than when I started this blog, and about 12 pounds more than my top reasonably-comfortable weight of 215. Still not the heaviest I've ever been (which would be 235) but way too much, nonetheless. I'm bursting out of all me britches, and this can't stand. So today, I start fresh. No judgments, no guilt, just a healthier plan for eating and upping the weekly biking/walking mileage. I'm still really ambivalent about giving up the gym membership, even though I haven't been regularly using it for months. Mainly, the excercize is going to continue to come from biking, which means more miles from commuting and pleasure rides. Now that summer's gearing up, I really have no excuses for not doing it.

So, the food. Repetative as this is, I need to re-articulate, to myself and the world, I guess, what my regimen will be:

* Less meat - particularly less fatty and cured meats. Lean meats and fatty fish are fine. In fact, I'm trying to get better about Omega-3 fish oil supplements as well. Fish is the protein source I've been shortchanging myself on the most since Astrid became a vegetarian, and I'm not sure why. Need to eat more of it.

* Less eggs and cheese - though not total elimination. Mostly, I want to reduce the number of egg yolks I eat in a week.

* Indefinite moratorium on deep-fried foods (good bye chicken strips and french fries, for now at least)

* Way more fresh veggies and fruit

* Way less simple refined carbs (white breads, pastries, et al)

* Less refined sugars, or almost total elimination. I may continue a regular small square of dark chocolate, but otherwise, gotta ween.

* More whole grains to replace refined carbs.

* Slightly less alcohol, but not too concerned about this one, as my drinking is pretty controlled already.

* More agua.

Monday, May 4, 2009


I've been craving a nice, thick chocolate milkshake for days and days. Today, as I walked home through the Castro, I couldn't get it out of my mind. I was going to stop at Burgermeister and order one. They make their shakes with Mitchell's ice cream and they are fucking good. I imagined myself sipping it slowly on the last block of my walk, savoring the cold, sweet velvet on my tongue. And then I imagined the inevitable stomach cramp and feeling like shit about myself for eating something I really, truly do not need. I managed to pass by the burger joint, climb my stairs, and pour myself a tall glass of ice water. Yay me.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Ambivalent about Ambivalence

It's been about, well, pretty much exactly, a year since I started this blog (among the proliferation of blogs I feel somehow compelled to maintain). I've only written about 20 entries, though, and I'm wondering if I'll continue to be vigilant and brave enough to keep this one up. I'm toying with the idea of re-posting my AFG entries over at Toothpick Labeling and just making the weight/health issue part of the umbrella of that main blog. There's a way in which it feels kind of compartmentalized over here by its lonesome, and I fear that my physical health is already over-compartmentalized in reality; it doesn't serve me to virtually wall it off as well. On the other hand, giving the subject of my weight, the state of my diet and exercise, and the emotional issues all tied up therein, its own forum, free from the clutter of other obsessions (relationships, trivial nonsense, the daily grind, et al) may be only proper for allowing myself the space to explore the space I take up.

All this to say, I haven't written anything here since Thanksgiving, and now it's fucking March, 2009, and I weigh about 6-7 pounds more than I did this time last year when I started this thing and declared that I wanted to lose a bit of weight. What has happened in the last year?

- I started this blog, in an effort to become more mindful about this topic in my life.

- I joined a gym and got into a fairly regular exercise regimen for, say, about three months. Guess what: the last time I went to the gym and the last time I blogged here were roughly the same day, marked by the annual turkey feast of gluttony.

- I've been biking way less than I was, when compared with my biking of two to three years ago. This mostly owes to the changes in my daily schedule that were brought on by being in grad school, and then my internship starting, and then my grad program transferring to a very un-bike-friendly location, and then three out of the last six months being both unemployed (read: unmotivated and depressed) and kind of soggy outside. And, oh, my bike broke and I went about a month to two months without one.

- my patellofemoral syndrome is really acting up lately, and my whole body feels out of whack. (In addition my my left knee, I'm feeling chronic dull discomfort in my left hip, lower back aches, neck stiffness, and occasional tingling in my right shoulder/arm which seem to be related to the back and neck tightness.) All these physical ills would improve with more exercise, even if I don't lose any weight.

- Less work = less money, which means I can't go to a chiropractor for the above issues.

- Less money theoretically should mean an upturn toward healthier eating, since Astrid and I have been cooking at home more. And we got gifted six months of the organic box delivery, so we've had a load of fresh veggies in the house, too. The other piece of this is that Astrid went vegetarian in July, so we've been cooking way less meat in the house, though I still do when I'm on my own for some meals. I don't know if the net impact of all this is that I'm eating better or not. The jury's still out.

So it hasn't all been bad, it's just been a lot to handle emotionally in the last year, and eating too much is my big coping mechanism, so there you go. Hmm...that makes me think that keeping this blog alive for a while may yet help me, in that I can always shoot out a quick entry instead of grabbing the chips and salsa.

Anyway, guess I'll keep AFG around. There are a number of topics I'm tossing around for possible future entries; I just have to motivate myself. We'll see how it goes.

Thanks for reading...if you're still out there!

Thursday, November 27, 2008


It's 5:00 AM and I've got nervous energy. I think it's 'cause I volunteered Astrid and I to make the stuffing for the holiday feast, which will commence in about 11 hours. I'm sure it will turn out okay, but as a friend called it yesterday, "You're making THE side dish!" The pressure is on!

Before looking at any recipes, I decided that these ingredients would be essential, and I went and bought them in mass quantities:

whole chestnuts
onions and shallots
fresh parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme (which I failed to write in that order on the grocery list.)
veggie broth

Then, on scoping a few recipes for making stuffing from scratch, we went and got three huge loaves of sourdough which we'll toast in the oven to begin the process. We'll roast the chestnuts, sautée the veggies, combine everything, then bake the stuffing. It seems pretty straightforward and easy.

Another friend yesterday assured me that only three things could possibly go wrong:

1. The stuffing is too bland.
2. The stuffing is too dry.
3. The stuffing is too soggy.

The first two will be remedied automatically by dousing the stuff in gravy, so really aren't problems at all. The third means we're shit outta luck. I think I can handle this.

Another anxiety about the day ahead, though this is not what's keeping me up, is the probability that I will eat way too much food. I've been doing pretty well lately with "portion control," as the diet gurus might say, but Thanksgiving is a notorious rule-breaking event, and the entirety of the meal, aside from the turkey, is carbs, glorious carbs. I'm really glad I never went in for the Atkins diet. Not to malign it, because there are some sound scientific grounds for why it works, but I just don't think substantially reducing carbs and sugar over my lifetime is a sustainable strategy for me. I'm not much for sugar, anyway (it's really the easiest thing for me to control) but definitely decreasing highly refined carbs and increasing complex carbs like whole grains and veggies is something I've been focused on and continue to tackle. Anyway, today won't be a whole grain kinda day, but still, eating til I'm done and not keeling over from a gorged gut will be my modest health-conscious goal. That, and Astrid and I are planning to start the day, even before preparing the stuffing, by going to the gym and doing some cardio. She checked, and 24-hour is indeed open for business today. It'll be really interesting to see how many other people will be at the gym on a major eating-oriented holiday.

Gonna try to go back to bed now.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

For the Occasion of Astrid's Birthday...

I am planning the following luxurious meal for this evening:

Salad with arugula and hand-chosen lettuce mix with lemon vinaigrette dressing * Swiss chard and herb tart with two cheeses, fresh thyme and oregano * Greek gigantes white beans in a tomato/garlic/olive oil sauce * Tzatziki made with Greek yogurt, cucumber, garlic, and fresh mint *

My stomach just flipped from thinking about it. Maybe this meal will be a little too rich? And then the drinking will commence. It might be a Tums night. Maybe I'll save the tzatziki for another time.